So, The Baby Borrowers. I just couldn’t help myself. Thanks to NBC.com, I got to watch the schadenfreude in all its glory. And of course, write down my thoughts. What follows is a type of transcript of my thoughts on one July night when I was having a bout of insomnia.
*ahem*
Episode 1 of The Baby Borrowers. Roll credits.
First, we meet some of the couples. There is Kelsey and Sean from New Hampshire. Kelsey thinks she’s ready for marriage and family. Sean? Not so much. Kelsey hopes that this experience will lead to Sean liking kids more. Sean states that he hopes the experience on the show will show Kelsey that she is not ready to have kids just yet. Kelsey’s response to Sean: “We can do anything. You know we can.” Oh, yeah? Try licking your own elbow. Pfft. The optimism and ignorance of youth.
At this point, the 5 couples pull up to their houses. Can I just say that these houses are far nicer than a lot of the houses that most people who are adults with actual jobs can afford? I mean, completely furnished, beautifully decorated, cul-de-sac lot – the works. Where is the reality in that?
We are then introduced to Daton and Morgan, two surfers from San Diego. They are described as having a “turbulent relationship.” Daton states that they were about to break-up, but “decided that this experiment would be one of the best tests for our relationship.” Clearly, critical thinking skills are not his forte.
Texans Jordan and Sasha are not doing the show to prove to themselves that they can do it. Nope, as Sasha states, they are doing it to prove to their families “I have to prove to my parents that I can do this by myself without their help.” Yeah, Sasha, and going on a show where everything is handed to you on a silver platter is really going to do that.
Last but not least, we meet Cory and Alicea, also from Texas. Alicea informs us that she thinks it should be easier for younger people to be parents because they can understand the kids better. Ok, let’s see how that one plays out.
We watch as the teens unpack their belongings and settle into their houses. Cory complains about disliking the childproof drawer latches in the bathroom. Whoa, whoa, whoa – they didn’t have to do their own babyproofing?!? Hello, as my husband can attest to, part of the “fun” of parenting is trying to figure out how to install those darn things (double points if you’re trying to install them while you kid is *ahem* helping). These teens are being given houses, jobs, AND babyproofing? I call shenanigans.
As we cut to commercial break, large packages are left on the doorstep of each house at daybreak on Day 2. After the commercial, we find out that the box does not, in fact, contain a baby (shucks, there went my guess). Rather, they contain empathy bellies, which as the note in each box states: “This is a pregnancy belly. It accurately replicates the feelings and discomforts of pregnancy.” Ok, unless the belly causes heartburn, kicks you in the ribs, and breakdances on your bladder all at the same time, I don’t think it accurately replicates squat. The females are required to wear it for one day and are not supposed to take it off except to shower. Oh, come on!! Half the fun of being pregnant is attempting to shave your legs when you can’t even find them thanks to a huge belly being in the way! And yes, I use the word “fun” quite loosely there.
The teens are given a few hours to get used to the “pregnancy” before they are supposed to head off to a local hospital for baby care classes. Kelly, however, is not taking pregnancy well and does not want to go to the class, instead locking herself in the bathroom. The other girls try to talk to Kelly, who has taken off the empathy belly, but Kelly refuses to put the belly back on and go to the baby class. Austin tries to convince her to come to the class, but he eventually goes to the class by himself. Ah, yes, the actual children have not even arrived yet and Kelly is already displaying her amazing maturity.
We next see the teens (sans Kelly) at a baby care class in a hospital. I have to give points for authenticity in that several of the females are seen sitting on birthing balls during the class. The teens are treated to watching a mannequin give birth and then are given electronic babies to care for. Judging by the way they are feeding/holding/looking at the babies, I really have to question the wisdom of the actual parents for allowing their infants to be cared for by the teens. But that’s just me.
Kelly is being interviewed. The empathy belly is lying on the floor and she says that wearing it made her feel ugly and she was not going to leave the house wearing it. Yeah, because when you’re actually pregnant and none of your clothes fit, you haven’t seen your feet in weeks, and your boobs could qualify for their own zip code, it’s really that easy to take a timeout and go back to not being pregnant. Kelly is sooo not ready to have a kid. She further explains that Austin was not being “nice” because he went to the baby class without her. Kelly, you should be thanking your lucky stars that one of you is learning about caring for a baby, though it does seem that maybe Austin had previous experience with it, considering he’s been with Kelly for over a year. At any rate, Kelly thanks Austin for being the responsible one by getting pissy with him when he returns home. Well, at least she’s got that bit down pat.
All of the soon-to-be parents are then surprised with nurseries full of boxes that contain baby furniture and supplies. While Jordan very sweetly puts the crib together by himself after telling Sasha to rest, Kelly reams out Austin yet again. Kelly complains that she wants someone “who respects me and doesn’t laugh at me.” Oooh, sounds like a tall order, Kel. Austin apologizes several times to Kelly, and in a masterful stroke, says that he looks up to Kelly as his teacher over the next few days because he hasn’t really been around little kids. Oh, come on Austin, give yourself some credit for spending time with Kelly! Kelly then asks/tells Austin to wear the empathy belly, and Austin agrees. Austin not only wears the empathy belly around the house, he wears it to the supermarket. Oh, Austin. *sigh* You seem like a really sweet, caring young guy. Don’t let Kelly take advantage that.
Day 3: The babies arrive (and no, I don’t mean Kelly). Jordan and Sasha are entrusted to care for 11-month-old Shay. Shay’s mother goes over Shay’s schedule with the teens and gives them some hints on caring for the tyke. Man, I wish my baby had come with that kind of book! He’s 15-months-old and is still quite unpredictable! 7-month-old Karson is dropped off with Cory and Alicea. Sean and Kelsey are introduced to 6-month-old Etta. Even before the hand-off, young Etta uses her babydar to sense the peril she is being placed in and starts crying. Sean, wearing a quite fashionable deer-in-the-headlights look, states that he doesn’t think he is ready for this. Um, Sean? I think that is what the producers of this show were counting on. Infant Miley is placed in the care of Daton and Morgan. Miley’s mother remarks that Daton and Morgan seem quite young, leading me to question whether she is aware of the premise of the show that she signed her baby girl up for. Last, but not least, baby Zachary is dropped off with Kelly and Austin.
The males decide to go shopping for baby needs at the nearby Albertsons, and they are quickly dazzled by the sheer variety of options. The females, meanwhile, are spending time with their new little ones. Already, Alicea seems ready to throw in the towel with a fussy Karson, commenting “I’ve never had a baby that screamed so much in my life.” Oh, honey. That? Is not bad. It can get much, much worse. Alicea complains that Karson is a “trouble” and a “grouch,” before proceeding to drop the f-bomb. Ah, the joys of parenthood. The men return home with their purchases and much product placement ensues. Morgan does a poor job washing the Born Free bottles Daton has brought home and leaves Daton to wash and sanitize them. In an interview, she states that it is confusing because one minute they are getting along and the next minute they’re not. Wow – there really is some reality here!
Meanwhile, Alicea makes a lame attempt to feed a fussy, teething Karson before giving up, saying, “Fine, starve.” Karson’s mother, who has been watching on a monitor, is shocked. Shocked. Shocked! I tell you, that some teenager who signed up for a reality show is doing a poor job of taking care of her child. She decides to intervene. And lecture. Alicea does not take well to this, and after Karson’s mom leaves, Alicea hands off the responsibility of feeding the little guy to Cory. In an interview, Alicea say, “I was pissed. We’re supposed to be able to learn from this, not to be criticized or bitched out for no reason.” Ok, Alicea? Hon? In order to learn, it’s generally wise to get help when you can’t figure something out. And you? Didn’t know jack about caring for little Karson. Second, you weren’t criticized “for no reason.” You were not meeting a basic need of a helpless infant because it was too frustrating for you. While the penny lecture might have been out of line, the rest of it was totally called for. Alicea then informs Cory that she is not going to deal with Karson anymore.
Over at Jordan and Sasha’s, baby Shay has a poopy diaper. Jordan, to his credit, makes a great attempt at changing the diaper, while Shay has a look on his face that betrays his lack of trust in Jordan’s diaper-changing skills. But, surprisingly, all goes well and Shay’s diaper gets changed with little drama.
At Daton and Morgan’s, baby Miley is having a tough time. In a well-intentioned attempt to make Miley feel better, Daton and Morgan go from room to room with her, trying to engage in her in a variety of activities. Poor Miley. Probably all that she wants is a good cuddle and some quiet humming. Cut to Miley crying in her highchair before she projectile vomits onto the tray. Yikes!! All I can say is thank goodness I never had to experience that one!
A strange turn of events is unfolding at Sean and Kelsey’s. It seems that Sean is actually warming up to baby Etta. In fact, Etta seems to prefer Sean over Kelsey (you know the producers were high-fiving each other over that one). Kelsey is quite put out by this.
That evening, the couples are informed via note that they must each choose one partner to go to work the next day. Alicea informs Cory that she will be going to work, much to the relief of baby Karson.
Miley continues to be quite upset, and her father, Wiley (yes, really. Miley and Wiley), comes to the house to try and calm her down. Miley cheers up and starts smiling and crawling around, probably thinking that her daddy is there to save her from the hyperactive surfer people. Boy, is she going to be in for a rude awakening! In an interview, Daton states, “Wiley said to me, her dad, just be patient and I really thought about that and like yeah, I need to be calm and patient like the baby can pick up probably on me being like so nervous and stressed so that’s what I was trying to go by, me being patient.” Dude like seriously said that using 3 breaths – I don’t think he would know calm or patient unless he was given a killer sedative. I’m just saying. Daton then tries out his “calm,” and to his credit, it is a lot less manic than before Wiley visited, but still way too keyed up to be relaxing. Morgan is rocking Miley in her arms (quite vigorously) as Daton says to Miley that she only has to put up with them for three days. Miley commences crying. Seriously. Hee.
Baby Etta is having a difficult time going to sleep. Sean, being ever so helpful, suggests putting Etta in her crib to cry so that he and Kelsey can get some sleep while wearing earplugs; at one point, he refers to Etta as “it.” Natalie, Etta’s mom, is upset that neither Kelsey nor Sean have done anything to prepare Etta for bed and are considering letting her cry. She goes to the house and asks to speak with them. Then she reams them out for not bathing, changing, or feeding a bedtime bottle to Etta, all of which makes sense. But she also proceeds to criticize Sean for calling Etta “it.” Huh? Of all the battles, that’s one you want to pick? Someone’s looking for a little extra screen time. Kelsey is upset about Natalie’s intervention, but Sean, loving boyfriend that he is, thinks it’s brilliant because now Kelsey might be rethinking wanting to have a kid. Oh Kelsey, yes, please rethink having a kid – especially the part about having it with Sean.
We end the episode with a veritable symphony of crying nighttime babies. *sigh* Aren’t babies so much fun, guys?
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